The Monk and The Student( Mexican Version)
There is no main character, but characters. My character as the student is named juan, and the teachers name is Mr. Chavez. Mr. Chavez falls asleep in class and claims to have seen the virgin Mary. The next day Juan falls to sleep and says to the teacher that the virgin Mary hasn't seen him.
Mr. Chavez is a bald teacher that is aging, and getting old, has a beard, and doesnt care about his job. He's just trying to make it in the world, and doesnt care about the education that the kids are receving. He has thin eyebrows, brown skin. He comes from a family that has 16 kids, and was one of the exiled brothers because he was boring.He is a poor person who has no wife, and no kids. He likes to sleep, and when he is active he watches TV.
Juan portrays only to be a gangster when really he's not. although he has no interest in school he is all about the females, but is always rejected. He says that he is making his money when he really only is making F's. He is bald headed, dresses with dickies, and flannel shirts with his Loc glasses on all the time. He lives for no special occasion, but to be lame and is not smart. He is the child of 7, is slanky, and wears extremely big clothes.
Your story sounds violent, and not really child-appropriate. Why exactly are there gangs? Why did you think a gang was a good idea? How will a gang fit into your story? I think you are trying to make this story more fit for teenagers/adults, rather than children. Even worse, I think you're trying to make this story so that only YOU can enjoy it, which is not a good idea at all.
ReplyDeleteOh, and this must be two paragraphs. You know that, right?
On another note, work on your grammar just a bit. "Mr. Chavez is a bald teacher that is aging, and getting old" - this is redundant, you should fix this. I would suggest for a sentence:
"Mr. Chavez is an aging teacher with a beard who does not care about his job."
Correction: "jbo" should be "job"
Have a nice day =|
Two paragraphs! Edit this post and put the information into the three categories I gave you. It will help you down the road when you go to write your story.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jarelle there. Gang..?
ReplyDeleteThat makes me wonder, what is the message that you are trying to get across to the kids?
When I see the word "gang" I'm not getting a very good message, no matter how friendly you write the story.
ReplyDeleteRemember who your audience is...And remember the MESSAGE you're trying to get to CHILDREN...
"Juan is bald-headed, he's all about females and making his money." - Are you sure a child could possibly respond positively to this???? At all???
Have a......um....see ya thursday Brett =/
alright and yea I might have to make some adjustments. i keep forgetting we making these for little kids.
ReplyDeleteHe was exiled because he was too boring...THATS FUNNY HAHAHA
ReplyDeleteStill...please get this gangster image out of your head! He's all about the females but gets rejected and thinks he makes money? This still sounds like a very bad image. He's a boy, of course he likes females, and just say he tries to get money because he's poor (doing a job perhaps, like cleaning a store or something?).
Still, "Mr Chavez is a teacher that is aging, and getting old, and has a beard." - Ugh. FIX THIS!
With the little kids hearing your story, they'll just think up stereotypes that can stick for a long time...even worse, they might get VERY bad habits...